A Douche is born: The Colin Kaepernick Story by Scott Thompson

Chapter 1:  The Birth of Kaep

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Colin Kaepernick started out as a nice young man with a bright promising future. Naturally he had love for the Best Team in NFL history. The Green Bay Packers. 

But then…  A douche was born.   After only starting 7 games and losing the Superbowl   “Kaep” was born.

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This is “Kaep”   no not after a Big Play but in Warm Ups….

And on the way to the Grocery Store.

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Yes folks, it wouldn’t take long until young “Kaep” began demanding the finer things in life and all of the well deserved spoils of his Almost Superbowl MVP/CHAMP , 7 Start HALL OF FAME career.

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Kaep on the set of his Girls Gone Wild. DVD entitled  “KaeperDicking” ( Featuring Snoop Dogg.)

Chapter 2:  THE DEMANDS OF A DOUCHE BAG

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After becoming the greatest 7 Game Starter and Almost Superbowl/Champ/MVP in NFL History Colin demanded a spot on the 49ers 53 Man Roster for his pet Turtle  “Dan Marino”  Additionally he required that “Dan Marino” would be listed as his Backup.  Because as Kaepernick put it “Everyone knows I am way faster, and better than Dan Marino, he is like a turtle next to me.”.  Reluctantly the 49ers agreed and Alex Smith was released to create a roster spot for “Dan Marino”

 

“Oh I’m sorry Alex Smith but Kaep Wants Marino as his backup so Kaep gets Marino as his backup,  You mad bro?”  – Colin Kaepernick

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Dan Marino seen here on his way into Training Camp in 2013

Chapter 3:  Broadway Kaep

    “I am Colin F*cking Kaepernick the best 7 game starter and almost Superbowl MVP/CHAMP in NFL HISTORY and I want the first lady in my MUSICAL!” – The words screamed by young “Kaep” as he stormed out of the casting meetings for his Broadway musical  “Kaep’s”  A re-make of “Cat’s”  That Kaepernick calls “Way better than Cats because it’s Kaep’s”. He then kisses his biceps for 5 awkward seconds using his tongue.  Reluctantly the Producers give in to Kaep’s demands. Michelle Obama agrees to appear so long as Kaepernick agrees to promote her new “Fat Kids make me sad to look at” Campaign. Kaepernick whom also is sad when forced to look at Obese children gladly accepts stating “In the end we created the best musical in history and stopped some fatty boom’ba’s from drinking Chocolate milk, it’s a win, and I haven’t had many of those”

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 Obama and Kaepernick rehearsing the Montage “I could be Jesus” from the Broadway Musical “Kaep’s”

Chapter 4:  To the (almost) Superbowl Victor goes the spoils. 

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Kaepernick accepting the ESPY for best Almost MVP. 

Chapter 4: Who says money can’t buy Douchey ness?  

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PHOTOS OF COLIN KAEPERNICKS RECORD BREAKING SHOE COLLECTION

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After naming “Dan Marino”  as backup to Alex Smith the 49ers were forced to spend Smith’s Roster bonus to be all on Shoes for Kaepernick per the demands of his Agent rapper/Mogul “2-Chainz” 

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 Digital Douche – Kaep striking a pose 

Chapter 5:  Dolphin Love

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 “I don’t like to pray next to guys wearing the same uniform as me, I want to make it easier for God to see his favorite Player(bicep kiss)” – Colin Kaepernick

“Being the best 7 game starting QB and almost Superbowl Champ/MVP  in NFL history makes you realize that not only can you Purchase the girl that served you at Hooters,  you can also cheer for whatever team you want even if one team pays you millions” – Colin Kaepernick

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After feasting on crappy wings at the biggest Douche Bag restaurant chain in History Colin makes a startling demand: ” Can I get a box for her?”  Reluctantly the manager agrees to the request of the irresistibly charming man with the fuzzy chin and “Kaep” gets his hooters slave.

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“Why You mad bro?”  says a booger picking Kaepernick to Jerry Rice as he arrives at Joe Montana’s Autism fundraiser wearing no shows,shirt and a Dolphins hat.

For Colin Kaepernick the journey of Douchey-ness has just begun. He is already a tremendous douche after just a handful of games, What if he actually wins something?

The world waits in fear and intrigue as we all ask ourselves… Just how Douchey will Colin Kaepernick become?

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